Well, I thought I would share my story of loosing Sylus. Hope it helps anyone looking for something.
I got pregnant with Sylus really quick. I was so excited to be pregnant again and expecting a baby since Isaac was then 4. I was really sick and tired for the first 3 months. Pepsi didn’t even appeal to me. Before I was to go in for my 20 week ultrasound, I told Nathaniel that he had to have names picked out. I wanted my baby to have a name right then. He had a girl name, but wasn’t sure for the boy name. I was excited to learn that we would be having another boy. I love my boys and wouldn’t trade them for anything and was excited to have another. We still didn’t have a boy name picked out, but hey!, we still had 4 months left. I am usually too excited about the baby coming that I have everything well prepared, but I had the feeling not to worry about it. On June 19th, I felt the baby move like crazy. It was the first and last time that I felt him. I will always remember that. I was in for a facial (because it was my birthday) and he wouldn’t stop moving. I couldn’t complain, I loved it. Every night I read the boys the scriptures and as I would read I would think of my baby listening intently. I don’t think there was a moment that when I was reading the scriptures loud that I didn’t think of also reading to the baby.
For a few days before my next check up, I had an inkling that something wasn’t right about the baby. But I kept pushing it aside because I thought of it rare that I would loose my baby right after Brandi (my cousin) lost hers. I also think I didn’t want to believe it.
So I went in for my check up on July 13, 2007. The doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat, but I still kept my hopes up because my belly had grown and I had also gained a little weight (later to find out it was because of all my eating in Arizona the week before). It had been common that the Dr. couldn’t find the heartbeat, so I wasn’t too concerned. But then we went in for an ultrasound. The baby wasn’t moving and didn’t have a heartbeat. My Dr. went to get another Dr. for a second opinion and he saw the same thing - my worst fears came true. My baby was dead. I sobbed. Ethan and Isaac were in the room with me and it was the hardest thing to be strong. The one Dr. took the boys out to the waiting room, while my Dr. talked to me about it and that I would have to deliver.
I called my mom to come and get the boys. Nathaniel was at a high adventure in Wyoming. I couldn’t get a hold of him. My mom had called my friend, Robyn Shalvis, to tell her the news. I was determined to have the baby with or without Nathaniel. I didn’t want to make the misery last. Robyn called the bishopric to get a call to Nathaniel so that he could be with me. Reese and Mary came to get the boys so that my mom could be with me. Reese gave me a blessing letting me know that Sylus was a valiant spirit and came down to get his body and that Heavenly Father needed him home. Several hours later, Nathaniel called me. We talked about him coming home and what we were going to name the baby. Several months back, we were visiting Nathaniel’s grandpa’s grave and I saw that his great grandpa’s name was Sylus. I thought it was a great and unusual name. So that’s what we decided to name the baby. James comes from Nathaniel’s uncle Jim and it is also Jeremiah’s middle name. Mary and Angel also came to stay with me until Nathaniel got there. I was fine and in good spirits - mostly not wanting to deal with reality. It was really good to laugh and have some girl time. When Nathaniel got to the hospital, I asked that he and I have time together. After the girls left, Nathaniel scooted a chair to the bed, held me and sobbed. I asked him to give me a blessing – I did it because I knew he needed the strength. The blessing was for him. I knew he needed the comfort too. At 11pm, Sylus James Cox delivered. Before I delivered, I kept telling the nurse that I didn’t want to hold the baby. I thought it would be too hard. But as I had Sylus, all I wanted to do was to hold him. He may have been dead, but he was my baby and the most amazing thing I could have held. I love him and just marveled at how small he was. He was 15 oz and 12 inches long. Nathaniel and I took turns holding him and taking pictures with him. It was hard throughout the night, because I would place my hand on my belly and cry because I didn’t have my baby. The next day, I called and asked my mom to take the boys to get a blanket and stuffed animal for Sylus’ casket. Mary brought the boys over to the hospital and we let the boys see him and offered to let them hold Sylus. The boys both declined, although Isaac looked at him. My mom came to the hospital with the boys. Ethan picked out a blue blanket and Isaac picked out a blue dog (which we have the same one too, I went to the store later so that I felt like Sylus was with us and we were with him). My mom said that on the way up in the elevator, they were in with a nurse that seemed excited for the boys and said that they must have gotten a new baby. Ethan looked at the lady and said “Our baby is dead”. We decided to have Sylus buried in Logan, Utah. The hospital released Sylus to us so that we could take him up there. Amy and Jeremiah met us at the mortuary. Amy was a big help with arranging the funeral and grave sight. Then we went to see the spot Amy had picked out. It was in Baby Land near 5 other boys.
The funeral was on Tuesday, July 17. We took the boys to the mortuary and talked to them about Sylus and his body and spirit. We also had a family prayer. We took another look at Sylus and I got to tuck in his blankets before the guy put on the top. We drove him to the cemetery. We had Jeremiah conduct. Nathaniel gave the prayer. Mary had written a poem that reads:
Jesus loves the little children, little ones like me
He would bless and help me and take me on his knee
He has sent me here so tiny and new,
To my loving family kind and true
Back to my Heavenly Father I must go
Even though I want to tell my family I love them so.
My grandma Anderson made a flower arrangement with a lamb, which we kept. Following, Amy held a luncheon at her mom’s home for everyone.
Later, Nathaniel and I had a conversation about making sure that the Spirit was always in our home so that Sylus would always feel welcomed at home.
We explained to the boys that we would be with Sylus again when Jesus returns. Isaac prays for Sylus to come back. We talk about Sylus as a brother and son. We pray that he will know us and know that we love him…. and to be good.
About a week later, Brandi called me. I had asked her if it bothered her to have her son buried in a different state than where they were living. She said that a friend of hers told her that the grave sight is a place for their bodies, but to be with him, you go to the Temple. A month later I attended the Bountiful Temple with a couple of other sisters from the ward. I was so excited to be with Sylus that I couldn’t wait to be in the Celestial room. During the session, I kept apologizing to the sister I was going through for because I was having a hard time paying attention because I kept thinking about Sylus. The sister, through the Spirit, let me know that she was there and not to worry. As soon as I got into the Celestial room I found a chair and sat down with my thoughts and was so comforted to be with my son.
Having and loosing Sylus is an experience that I would never change or give up. It strengthened my testimony and our family. He makes me strive harder to be worthy to raise him. I think of it as a sacrifice he made so that I would know my Heavenly Father loves me and be a better person. I am thankful to know that I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and has given me the strength to learn and grow from having Sylus. My baby. I love and miss him dearly and am thankful to have someone cheering for me on the other side.
